Yes, that’s what I was called. The weird thing is, I had very few pet names the entire time we were together. Only after the seven months did these begin! If that wasn’t odd enough, I found him on a dating site… and he was a top match. I believe his words were “telling us something” in reference to our high compatibility score. I can’t do all the ups and downs. I am over the feelings and wish it could really be just casual and friendly. I adore his charming smile, his passionate kiss, the words he whispers to me under his breath.. but that’s something I want to store away in our own treasure chest of the past and leave whatever we had as a good thing. I’m hoping we are moving to that place.

I had the weirdest dream the other night. In it I was so happy and I realized I have never felt that happiness outside of dreams. And the weirdest part was I know it was love. I’ve never been in love. Now lust on the other hand, sure had my handful of that. And I’ve been told I was loved, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt it. Then again, I think it takes being loved and loving someone to ever really reach that point. I guess the dream made me think a bit, about what I want and where I want to go from this point. It’s been over eight months since I had an amazing first spark with someone and I’m excited to find that again. Now a month since I’ve been single. Okay, this all sounds to sappy for Shalane. Moving on.

My boss had quite the strange conversation with me today. It started out with me feeling sick to my stomach as he starts in, I could have sworn it was going to be an awful horrible ending. But it wasn’t. I feel more passionate about the place I get my paycheck from. Will keep information on that posted.

Okay, that’s enough of all of this. Oh wait, I’m happy to hear that Bank of America is just getting rid of all overdraft fees (through use of your card, not automatic withdrawals, they can still get you). This change will happen probably in June and is applied to everyone. No more transactions going through–you’ll be declined on the spot.

That’s all for now, folks. <3
Shalane

When did I get so attached? I’ve always been an emotional person, but I’ve felt detached emotionally when it has come to relationships. Ever since my first love, who was unrealistic and idiotic, I’ve come to be separated. Yet, now I find myself smelling the leather gloves he left behind for the traces of him, totally not realizing I am doing it either until the gloves are up to my nose and my lungs are filled with air.

My dreams replay my favorite memories, my least favorite–when he is almost breaking down because she had the abortion and he just felt terrible, the first night he wasn’t there and I couldn’t walk to even find him. I haven’t cried, but I’ve felt the tears coming. Sometimes my dreams aren’t even of him. Another man of my past is bumped into on a vacation. Quickly, I realize the reasoning for him being out of my life–he’s not the guy I’m with now.

And am I even with him? Fuck, I feel like a stupid little girl sometimes.

Is it silly I hate that I haven’t had him in my new bedroom? That I wish I had more photos of him? That he had a facebook and I could look over every photo of him?

Men are stupid. I should throw rocks at them.

I’m a geek and that’s something I am proud to admit. I’ve always had a thing for the geekiness in others. I like my men to be geeky. Something about intelligence is just entirely sexy. To hold a conversation that requires a little knowledge is fantastic. To listen to someone carry on about their passion, someone they admire or what they dream to accomplish is exhilarating and to share those same things is liberating.

I know this is short and somewhat pointless, but you know what, it’s what is on my mind.

KNEE UPDATE: Physical therapy is 3 times a week now. By the end of next week I hope to be walking! Pain is moderate, rarely too much to handle. Getting low on percocet at this point, but a friend handed me a couple oxycotin and I only use them for PT anyways. Yay for recovery..

I know it’s been a while since I blogged, so no need to carry on about it. Anyways, I’ve been stuck in bed for two weeks now due to my surgery. Yup, I now have a ligament that used to belong to a dead guy. The whole situation.. being stuck in bed, the pain, the pain medication.. it’s gotten to me. I’m a social person so those few days of solitude started to wear me down pretty quickly. Thankfully my boy visited everyday.. until he didn’t. Then my cousin has been staying with me. So yup, broke up with the boy. We were just about to celebrate our three-month anniversary. Oh, back to how this bed rest situation has gotten to me. Here’s a clip of something I wrote when I was drugged up.

At times I consider just wetting the bed, because the discomforts of sitting in my own smelly and warm urine seems more comfortable than getting up and enduring the pain of moving the ten feet to the bathroom and back. I cry and scream and want to place blame for the agony I’m in, but I have nobody to blame. I can feel the insides of my wrapped knee twitch and send shooting pains up and down my leg, pulsating. I can feel the foreign tissue, my body questioning why it’s there and if it belongs. I wonder whom it used to belong to.

Yea, a bit strange. Oh well.

Other than that, let’s see. Working hard on Saphira. Hope to see big changes with that soon. Alright, I promise there will be more blogs to come.